Bringing a friend to a party: ask first, and let the host decide

The rule: ask beforehand

There is nothing wrong with bringing a friend to a party. Doing it without warning is another matter. The host has planned chairs, plates, a certain amount of food, sometimes a mood — a dinner for six is not a party for forty. And they like to know who is coming into their home.

Asking beforehand leaves the decision with them, and with it the chance to say no without it becoming a big deal. Turning up at the door with someone takes that chance away: nobody turns a guest away on the doorstep.

How to ask

A good request comes down to three things.

• Who. A first name, and half a sentence: “Hugo, my flatmate”, “Sarah, a friend from work who has just moved here”.
• Why it would be nice. No need for a sales pitch: “he already knows Léa”, “she doesn’t know anyone here”.
• A way out. “Tell me honestly if it doesn’t work.” That is the sentence that makes a no possible, and so a yes sincere.

Ask early, and only once. Asking the day before presents the host with a done deal; asking again makes them uncomfortable.

When the answer is no

A no is almost never personal. The place is small, the budget is tight, the evening is planned for a particular group, or the host simply wants a night with people they know. All of that is legitimate, and none of those reasons needs explaining.

The right reaction fits in one line: “No worries, see you Saturday!” And if the friend you wanted to bring really wants to meet that group, another chance will come along — a bigger party, a picnic, a drink.

For hosts: answering without offending anyone

If you’re hosting, you get to decide your guest list, and the simplest thing is to say so early: “Small group this time” or, the other way round, “Bring whoever you like, just tell me how many”. A rule announced up front saves ten requests one by one.

When a request comes in anyway, two answers are enough:

• Yes: “Of course, tell them to come!” — and remember to introduce the person when they arrive.
• No: “We’re already too many this time, but next time, I promise.” A short reason, not a justification.

Special cases

• The sit-down dinner. Every seat counts: only ask if there is a real reason, and take a no gracefully.
• The big party. One more person changes very little, but ask anyway — the host needs to know who is in their home.
• Your partner as a plus-one. Often assumed, rarely certain. One question avoids a missing place at the table.
• The party where costs are shared. One more person means one more share: say so, and suggest they chip in like everyone else.
• Bringing someone the host doesn’t like. If you know there is history, don’t ask. That is the only answer.

With AmidAmi: a link, and a request

In AmidAmi, the question “can I bring someone?” takes a concrete form, and the decision stays with the host. Here is how it actually works.

• The host invites people by name, from among their friends in the app. A party is private by default: only the people invited can see it.
• If you answered “I’m in” or “Maybe”, you can pass the party link on to the friend you want to bring — unless the host has turned off “My guests can send the link”.
• Your friend doesn’t need the app. They open the link in their browser, see the party and answer with their first name.
• Their answer is a request. The host sees it, and accepts it or not. Until it is accepted, your friend sees neither the exact address nor the guest list. Nobody gets into a private party unless the host has decided so.

Passing on the link is no excuse to skip the courtesy: send the host a quick message, rather than letting them discover an unfamiliar name among their requests. The link makes the request possible; the message makes it pleasant.

And if your friend and the host get on well, they can add each other in the app afterwards: next time, the host will invite them directly. How friends of friends work in AmidAmi.

See AmidAmi

See also

• Friends of friends: what AmidAmi does
• Throwing a party with friends of friends
• Help and contact